Not wanting to offer myself up as an authority on making a success of having an Au Pair; all the same I have been shocked to hear of recent Au Pair disaster stories, which contrast so vividly against our own experience with two Au Pairs so far. With that in mind, I thought I would share a few of the critical success factors that myself and Lisa, our German Au Pair, have come up with.
Deciding to have an Au Pair come and live in your home and, more importantly, plant themselves right in the middle of family dynamics, is no easy decision. Of course you have a number of benefits you want to realise from having an Au Pair, probably on everyone's list is having someone to take the stressful edge off parenting and allow you to reclaim adult time with your partner. Likewise, your Au Pair will have hopes and dreams that go with the idea of moving to a foreign country, away from those authority figures in their life and doing those generally fluffy, soft focus things, like taking children to the park and playing games, whilst maintaining a high level of Independence.
Right, now for reality...
In fact, to be fair, you can have all those things, but you have to work at it. Clearly one of the first things you should do is:
1. Set expectations upfront - for both of you. Often Au Pairs don't realise that a family wants to get an Au Pair in so they can find the extra time to take their children to the park and play games. Why go to the effort to pay and accommodate someone else to play with your own children? But it is critical to realise that your Au Pair doesn't have some slave fetish that means they want to be a modern day Cinderella either. Striking a good balance is important, but it is equally important to communicate expectations up front. I'd expect that you would at least have a telephone conversation or trade emails prior to them turning up on your door step. You should use this opportunity to map out what a typical day might be, or perhaps what the best and worst kind of day might be for your Au Pair. You also need to fit into these descriptions when the Au Pair will have time off, when they'll be free to go out, what they can do in their own time etc. If it's all about cooking, cleaning and babysitting, then you need to recalibrate your expectations - maybe you need a cleaner or to pay more for a full time nanny.
The legal definition of an Au Pairs duties are different for each country, but in the UK and generally accepted elsewhere is that an Au Pair works 25 hours per week, performing childcare and "light" housework duties. They also must get 2 full days off each week. Nannies on the other hand are paid more and are expected to undertake more household duties focused on the children or as a 'Housekeeper/Nanny'. Make sure you're getting the right kind of person for what you need.
So once you've avoided the pitfalls of mismatched expectations, you can get down to the business of having an Au Pair. Here's the rest of my list of top tips to ensure that both the Au Pair's and your own lives are enriched by having an Au Pair come to live with you.
2. Clearly define Working & Free-time. Get this right and 90% of possible problems seem to disappear. The working arrangements for an Au Pair loosely translate to 5 hours per day, Monday to Friday, with a couple of nights babysitting if needed. We find using a calendar on the wall for all to see, with the Au Pairs hours for the week written up clearly, is a very effective way to go. So normally each Sunday night we write in the hours for the week, take stock of any evening commitments we might have and include the babysitting as well. This is great for the Au Pair, as they know when they can afford to: sleep in; arrange to go out during the day or in the evening; as well as build any English classes around the timetable.
Whilst this is one of the best things you can do for your Au Pair (and I've asked a few Au Pairs to verify), it also helps you get your head around asking someone to do things for you. For many people this doesn't sit comfortably with them. If there is a 5 hour window each day where they are there to perform light housework duties, then it can be much easier to ask them to do things. What often helps is establishing a routine or writing a list of jobs you'd like them to work though. That allows the Au Pair to get on with things and also frees you up so you don't have to be constantly supervising them. If it seems a little awkward at first writing things on a calendar, it will become just a normal part of the routine in no time and something you both will come to really appreciate.
3. Respect their space. It's important that you provide a sanctuary in the Au Pairs home for them to get away from it all. That's normally their bedroom and you should always stress to your children that they respect the Au Pair's privacy and never go into the Au Pairs bedroom unless invited. Its common decency really, but you need to remember that the children are yours, and not the Au Pair's. Its normal to fit out the room with a decent single bed, a desk for English study and a TV. It needs to be warm and of course you only need to ask yourself "would I be happy to live in here?".
4. Set out what's acceptable behaviour for the children. Be sure to make time in the first week or so to make clear to the Au Pair what's acceptable behaviour from the children and what's not. If they see you let the children watch TV, then they will let the children watch TV. If its a case of "no TV on school nights" or "only one programme", then you need to make that clear. Every home and every parent has a different idea of whats acceptable, all an Au pair can do is copy what they see the parents doing. Equally you need to have a grace period in the first week or two to provide the "on the job training" you'd expect to get with any new job you started. You are the Au Pair's manager and that takes preparation and effort on your part. We've all had bad managers before, don't be another one.
5. Present a united front in front of the children. If the Au Pair is laying down the laws you prescribed, then children of a certain age will always go to other authority figures until they get the answer they're looking for. Be sure to back up the Au Pair and don't give in. Au Pairs aren't there to play "Good Cop, Bad Cop" for your benefit. Their ability to wield authority over your children (for then own sake and safety) only comes from you. If you are seen to undermine the Au Pairs authority, then you've taken their authority away from them in the mind of your children.
If you need to have stern words with your Au Pair, then never do it in front of the children.
6. Make rules for both of you and stick to them. This is true for anyone managing people. If you set expectations up front and communicate them clearly, then when boundaries are overstepped you have to follow through. This might be easy to think of in relation to the Au Pair breaking the rules (your 4yr old comes home "puffing" on a make believe cigarette because that's what your non-smoking Au Pair does every time she takes them to the Park!), but needs to be equally applied to yourself. If the 5 hours per day starts to stretch or babysitting becomes 5 nights a week - you need to revisit arrangements to make sure that these remain isolated exceptions to the rules, or you agree to pay for extra time or give time off in lieu.
7. Pay them on time. Hands up who doesn't mind being paid late? No one likes it. Au Pairs are generally given a nominal amount of pocket money each week to give them the freedom to pay for English classes, go sightseeing or generally get out of the house and enjoy themselves. In the UK around £55 per week is the minimum for 25hrs work and a couple of nights babysitting. As a rule, pay them on time, be prepared to advance money if they are planning something worthwhile, but not if its because they had a big weekend and are living beyond their means.
8. Everyone is different - thank goodness! Don't gloss over the fact that you have someone from a different culture living in your house. Where two cultures meet is generally a great opportunity for wonderful interaction and learning. Be sensitive to the differences and expect the same from your Au Pair. Bread rolls and cheese with holes in it for breakfast can make an European Au Pair's day. Getting them to cook meals from their own country is an added bonus. Put up with idiosyncrasies in good humour, they always make good stories at the end of an Au Pair's time with you.
9. "So how was your day?" Remember that Au Pairs have bad days too. Their lives might look like simplicity personified, but the cultural issues and being away from family and friends, can all take their toll. Always ask after them, because if you don't, no one else is likely to. Its the small things such as this that make them feel part of your family. Asking them what they did in their spare time might help answer some puzzling questions they have or help you understand what they like doing. Its also a good chance to intervene if you find that they spent the 12th straight day in their room on the internet.
and finally
10. Talk, talk and talk some more. Meals are family time. Making time to sit down as a family, including the Au Pair helps everyone. Its a chance to talk through what has happened or whats planned for tomorrow. It also helps your children see you interact with the Au Pair and understand where their standing is in the family as another responsible adult.
Overall, the time you invest in communicating with your Au Pair, will pay back tenfold. There's never any guarantees in life: you and your Au Pair might be a mismatch from the start. If so, then communicating that clearly will help too. On the positive side, Au Pairs are a great way to win back some time for your children and yourself, as well as creating life long friendships for your family with people all over the world.
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